~~A Year of Reflection~~

Wow, this year has been full of ups and downs. I have never been happier watching Miss Megyn grow and learn. I know understand all the pain and suffering we had to endure to become parents, was well worth it. Megyn makes life worth living. I knew I wanted to be a parent, but I had no idea how Great it was actually going to be. The 1st year of any child life is full of new experiences. From watching Megyn touch sand for the first time~~ to watching her roll-over~~Sit-up~~Walk. It has been an amazing journey. I stopped blogging for a few months, thinking to myself..I have nothing to say. Well one night I went through my Blog and realized, this is not for everyone else, but for me. I loved getting to look back and reflect on my pregnancy and all of Megyn's "firsts" My goal in 2011 is to write more. So when she gets older I can reflect back and remember all of the "little" things.

This year has not come without struggle. I have struggled with dealing with grieving for my Triplets and the loss of my father. In the end, I have come out on top. I have many friends who are currently dealing with the struggles of infertility. I do not wish this struggle on my worst enemy. Infertility is a BITCH no one should ever have to experience. I am grateful that we live in a time, that there are medial interventions. I know for a fact that had I been born 30 years earlier I would not have had children. Everyday I look at Megyn I marvel at the fact she was frozen for a year. She is a perfect little girl. I have had people in my world look down on me because they do not believe in infertility treatments, because in their minds it is "messing" with gods plan. Well I have to tell you I do not agree. Looking at Megyn I have to say 'I DO NOT AGREE!!"

The question of the day lately has been.....So are you going to "try" for another.....Really..Um...NO. That is my final answer. I'm not saying No forever. But at least for a few years. I have a 5 year IUD and we shall see if I change my mind. But for now I am going to enjoy everyday of watching my munchkin grow. Not only will I have to go through IVF again, but my pregnancies are horrific, the full bed rest and other complications are not fun and I DO remember all the pain I have endured over the years. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to try again, but for now I am content and happy enjoying Megyn and getting "ME" healthy again. I am looking forward to an awesome 2011...

Christmas

Megyn had a Blast on her 2nd Christmas. "Santa" got her a barbie guad...as soon as she saw it she got right on and started pushing the button. Every one thought "santa" was crazy for getting Megyn a riding toy, but She LOVES it.....She had a great time tearing open all her gifts. We are very blessed...

Santa~~ Well not for Megyn :)

We took Megyn to see Santa, She really didn't like him. I felt bad that she cried, but we got the sweetest picture. It is So adorable now, but in 10 or 20 years it is going to be Awesome. Megyn took her first unassisted step this weekend. Of coarse Logan was at school and I was at work. My sister got to see it for the first time. Megyn hasn't "taken off" yet but she stands and takes 1 or two steps. We have also taught her to climb up and down the stairs by herself. She is our little miss independent. We can't wait to see her opening presents in a few days.

1 year Photos ~~Awesome job~~

We used the same photographer Jason L. Powell who did Megyn's Newborn Pictures.... http://jasonlpowell.com/blog/?p=1038 If you like the pictures..Leave a message on Jason's Blog...

Halloween Pics

Halloween Pictures...She was our little Flower...

1st Birthday ~~All about Ladybugs~~

Megyn's 1st Birthday was AWESOME....She had so much fun in the Bounce house. We had a little melt down when 65 people tried to sing happy birthday to her. She cried a bit and really didn't wanna smash the ladybug cake I made for her. We tried it again later and she loved the cake. Megyn is still refusing to walk, I guess because she is so good a crawling. She can walk she just wont let go of our hands or the couch. She also had her 1 year doctors appt. and she is now 22 1/2 lbs and is 30 inches long. She is in the 65 percentile...Not bad for being 4 weeks early....

A year flys by....

It's amazing when you are smiling almost every day how quickly a year can pass you by. I spent a year over seas after 911 and it felt like an eternity...Then you have a child and the days seem to zip by quicker than you can blink. Megyn is officially a Toddler. It's crazy everyday she changes and everyday I fall in love a little more. It seems impossible, but my heart gets bigger. Her birthday party was one for the record books, we had tons of friends, family and neighbors helping celebrate her 1st year of life. Her birthday has so many meanings for me personally, Her party fell on December 5th, which happened to be the two year anniversary of the Triplets funeral.

I did very well all day...it was hard not too, with the house of people..the D.J. and bounce house, it wasn't until the next day, that I fell apart. Grief....its a nasty little word that no one wants to talk about. Heck I experience it often and I don't wanna talk about it. This year was different than last year. I thought I would "hold up" better..nope not the case. Although I have found everyday life to go on, I found this year I fell apart worse than ever. Raidens Birthday was on October 17th. I went to work and planned on meeting Logan and Megyn at his grave to release balloons after.. Well I couldn't stop crying all morning. I left work early, and we went and celebrated his short life with the release of balloons and brought him a little truck. Megyn was having fun playing with the truck :). Logan and I decided we were going to start a tradition of bringing Megyn to their grave and remembering them. We then took Megyn to a fall festival where she got to ride a pony. Spending the day being able to grieve properly with Logan and Megyn made it possible to pull myself up off of the ground.

I found myself fighting to smell his scent one last time on his outfit I have had ziplocked for two years. I just wanted to have back the joy I once felt thinking about having my 1st born. Ryker and Gwyns birthday came on November 12th. We took Ryker a car and Gwyn a My little Pony and let Megyn release balloons for them. Afterwards we took Megyn to the zoo for the 1st time where she got to ride a Camel and feed a Giraffe.

I held up pretty well. Then the day after their funeral anniversary, again I fell apart. The sociology major in me realizes that Raiden's birthday is the beginning of the devastation and the funeral is the end. Being the control freak that I am, I do not like falling apart on a whim. I would prefer to schedule my grief...But if you have ever experienced this nasty little thing, you too realize you have absolutely NO control over when it will raise its dreary head.

Many people in my world feel that I should be happy, because I have Megyn...Don't get me wrong I am truly blessed to have such a perfect daughter. And I also realize that if i didn't lose my triplets I may have never unfrozen Megyn. But it doesn't lessen the sadness I feel over watching three of my beautiful children take their last breaths in my arms.

I had my physical this year and I had to "tell" my new doctor my history. I started to tell her everything that happened and I realized she had a Look of horror on her face, because I was smiling as I told her this horrific story. Then I realized, I never get to talk about my kids, I found myself so excited to bring their name up in conversation that I explained my whole "medical history" to this Doctor who really just wanted to know if my family has a history of diabetes. I have also scared some of the mommies at Gymboree. Because again I spoke about my Kiddos, When the lady said Oh... my... triplets... how old are they? and I said... oh no they passed away, she practically ran away...OOPS.....

I guess what my point is, If you know anyone in your life who has lost a child or a loved one. Life does go on and death IS a part of life. The person in your life who has lost someone thinks about that person probably everyday. Just because someone dies does not mean they are forgotten about...and it's OK to talk about death.