Mirror image

The other day I was hanging our family photo on the wall. Megyn was attempting to help. She was getting aggravated with me because I wouldn't let her play with the level or the hammer. Well my smarty pants 13 month old decided she would improvise. She went into her play area and got a plastic piece of bacon. She came running over to where I was and she was putting the piece of bacon on the wall as if she was using the level. It is so awesome to see the imagination of a child.

Where it all began.....Our LONG Journey....

When I started this blog it was to document our Journey to parenthood...Well I jumped straight in to the parenthood part, well....because we were expecting....I really need to start at the beginning to really understand how we got to this place. So here it goes...it will take me several entries to tell the entire story, I don't want to rush it and I need to remember exactly how it all happened...

Quick story of me....I graduated High school early at 17, joined the Navy and moved from Florida to California..I had a studio apartment in Mission Beach, San Diego all before I officially "walked" at graduation. I got out of active duty at 20 and joined the reserves while I attended California State University San Marcos. I got married at 23 and divorced at 25....I was activated September 12, 2001...I spent 13 months in Guam. At first I hated it because I was in my senior year of college. I was able to finish college in 2003 and moved back to Florida. I decided to become a Police Officer, because I had experience in the Military I only had to attend a 2 week cross over academy. I started working for Clearwater PD on 1/12/2004...I was single and determined that I was going to swear off men and focus on my career. I had been on too many bad dates...well the first day of work I walked in to orientation and looked around... I noticed a very cute young guy sitting at the first table. I though to myself..Ohh this career thing is going to be hard. I remember the cute guy from the academy. He wasn't in my class but saw him in the halls. I introduced myself and through the next few weeks we started having lunch and spending time together. One night I asked the other people in my class if anyone wanted to go to happy hour. I was praying Logan would want to go...He said yes and so did a few other (not that I cared about the others) after a few drinks I got the courage to give him a kiss...Well after a few weeks of dating we moved in together. We took a trip to London a year later, bought a house and got engaged.

Logan and I knew someday we would want to have a baby together. I always wondered if I could actually get pregnant. I have always had problem periods that were associated with debilitating pain. My new doctor was awesome. He was the first doctor in my life that didn't think the pain was "in my head." He decided to preform laparoscopy surgery to see if I had endormetriosis. Well I was clear from that, but I did have a little blockage he cleaned out. He was very optimistic that I would have no problems getting pregnant on my own.

Logan and I got married in November of 05' at Sandals in the Bahamas. Our wedding was Simply Perfect....It was just us and we had an incredible 10 days. We even went shark diving 2 days after our I DO's. We were set in our lives. Our career was right on track, we had a cute home and were honeymooners...well what else could make our lives better..we thought hey we will try to start a family...

So right after the honeymoon, I threw my pills away....After 13 years of taking a little pill religiously every day, I figured it would take me a few months to get pregnant...So we started the FUN journey of "trying" to get pregnant. Six months went by and still nothing. I have never had regular periods so I wasn't too worried. I started seeing an acupuncturist. It helped start my period, but never helped actually conceive. So after a year of "trying" on our own I went to see my OB. He thought everything was fine, and thought I just needed a push...So he prescribed me clomid....I am someone who hates to even take Tylenol and here I was getting ready to take fertility drugs.. Well Logan and I really wanted to get pregnant...I made the mistake of telling people we were "trying" so the comments started and never stopped. Everyone had an opinion or questions...Some common ones were...

~so why aren't you pregnant yet?

~ are you pregnant?

~ Just relax...and it will happen...

~ you will get pregnant when you stop trying.....(really~WTH)

~ when it's your time it will happen.

~whats wrong with you?

~ when god is ready for you he will make it happen..

It was nice to be so blissfully ignorant back then. So Back to the Clomid. I got my prescription filled and had my instructions. With Clomid you have to take the pills on certain days of your cycle then have intercourse on other specific days...it kind of takes the fun out of "trying" but Logan and I decided we would make the best of it.....So I started the Clomid at the end of December right after Christmas in 2006. So January 2007 came and I started to feel a little "off" it's the best way I can explain how I was feeling.

~So one day I am at work having coffee with a friend and coworker. We were talking about my struggle and my desire to get pregnant. My friend reached across the table and grabbed both of my hands. I was a bit freaked out at first because we are both Cops and it would have looked a little odd to the other patrons at Starbucks. But what the hell, I went with it. He says to me that he has a gift and the last few women he did this too got pregnant...and had daughters. I laughed and told him he was funny....I went on about my week without thinking too much about that incident.

So Saturday was here and I was supposed to get my period sometime that week...but since I have never been regular I had no idea when it should actually come. I had to go to work at 3 and got the idea that I should take a pregnancy test...now you have to realize I was what some would call a "stick junkie" they were always negative and I decided to stop buying the expensive brands....So Logan was out with his brother and I had the house to myself. I went into the bathroom and pulled the dreaded white pee stick out of the box. I looked at it with contempt as I had so many other times. So I proceeded to piddle on the plastic disappointment stick...and then all of the sudden with in seconds I saw two lines...Of coarse I FREAKED out...I read the directions because I thought..oh what did I do wrong...I started shaking and couldn't believe my eyes... If you have ever wanted a child getting your first positive at home pregnancy test is one of the single most exciting moments ever.....Well like every other woman in the world I needed more confirmation...So like JUNO I proceeded to drink my weight in fluids and ran to the CVS. This time I didn't skimp. I purchased the most sophisticated test I could ever pee on..lol Clear blue easy digital...I got home and ran in to the bathroom...I piddled again on that stick...again within seconds POSITIVE....I was again SO excited. I realized at that moment that all of the other times when the tests were negative I didn't have to wait for....forever to check the test...when it is positive it will say it pretty quickly...So the test said POSITIVE...Of coarse I got the two pack...so I drank another 32 oz of water and piddled on the second one....again it said PREGNANT... I decided that I needed to figure out a way to tell Logan. I was supposed to be at work so I headed to Target to get him something baby related.

Well you would think my first call would be to my family....Well nope I called my friend from work and the first thing I said was "OMG you got me Pregnant" I meant it in a good way...but it sounded pretty bad...lol I told him his hand holding thing worked again....He was so excited for me.

So I went to Target and found these yellow little ducky booties. I got them and a pink teddy bear that said "babies first bear" I rushed home, By then Logan and his brother were home. I snuck the Target finds in my purse. I was happy to find Logan was in the shower. He had no Idea I didn't go to work. So I set the bear, booties, and the pregnancy test on the bed and I hid outside. When he came out of the shower I heard a scream. Then he yelled to his brother. Logan thought I dropped the things and went to work....He grabbed me when he saw me come around the corner. Logan has never looked happier. We went out with his family to dinner. I have to admit I loved the attention. On Sunday Logan and his brother went to the mall. They presented me with a Tiffany's signature blue box. I was excited to open it. Inside was a stainless steel baby rattle. Logan informed me that when the baby started teething he/she would leave teeth marks and we could get it engraved. Logan and his brother Paul wrote me the kindest notes.

So we were pregnant...We thought wow that was a long year but it was worth it. I had a September due date and was very excited because it is the only month that we don't have other birthdays or events going on. I called my Ob on Monday morning, of coarse they like to make the first appointments 10 to 12 weeks out, well I had to get a note to come off of patrol so I insisted on being seen. They did a urine test and confirmed what I already knew I was pregnant. They also did a blood test. They gave me my note and said they would see me in 6 weeks. We were so excited we told everyone who would listen that we were expecting. One of our friends told Logan that we should be careful about telling people in case we lost the baby....WHAT !?!? up until that point we never even considered that was an option. We already went through the hard part of trying for a year..nothing bad could happen.....right...wrong.....

I got a call from my OB's office. They explained that my beta numbers were very elevated for how far a long I was. They mentioned possibility of twins and asked me to come back for an additional blood test. After that test they asked me to come in for an ultrasound. Wow an ultrasound how exciting. Logan and I went to my Ob's office. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were in the lobby looking at other pregnant women. We were talking about all of the possibilities and day dreaming about everything. We made it into the ultrasound room. So since this was my first one ever I only knew what I have seen on tv. The woman told me to get undressed from the waist down...What....on tv you expose your belly they squirt goo on your tummy and they move a wand around on your stomach. I went with it and undressed. The ultrasound tech explained that they would be preforming a vaginal ultrasound...OH ok...Still had no idea, but I was too excited to care... Logan and I were joking and giggling...we were looking around the room at all of the pictures of babies on ultrasounds. We were so excited to see our little peanut.

So there was an ultrasound girl in training, Again I didn't care I just wanted to see our baby and find out if it was in fact twins. She loaded the condom over the wand and inserted it....Logan and I couldn't keep a straight face, it was a little funny that they put a condom on the wand. So I was laying there for what felt like forever. She kept going over the same spots. It was starting to get very sensitive. Logan was watching the screen. The ultrasound tech wasn't saying anything. I thought wow she is a BITCH. So I was asking questions she was being vague. It didn't take me long to figure out.....something was wrong..... Logan and I were no longer joking. I asked her if everything was OK..she said she had to get the doctor. So my doctor came in and said it was to early to see anything and he would talk to us in his office. At this point we were very confused.

My doctor came in and explained that I was experiencing a miscarriage.. WHAT...NO this isn't happening....We have tried to hard and too long....NOOOOOOOOO He further explained that they are unable to locate the pregnancy. He said he thinks I am having an ectopic pregnancy...He explained my options. He said I could take a methotrexate shot that will eliminate the pregnancy. He said the pregnancy could be in my tubes or I could try to miscarry naturally. Well of coarse I chose to let nature take its coarse....I was holding on to hope that there would be a Miracle. Well I had to go to his office every two days for blood work to make sure my beta was going down. The day after my appointment I started bleeding. It was awful. I have never been so devastated. I really felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. So I assumed I was miscarrying naturally. My doctor was very sweet and even explained that his wife had been through the same and went on to have children. I felt like all of my hopes and dreams were shattered. I took a few days off of work to regroup....My doctor called me on Wednesday night to check in on me. He wanted to know if I was having any cramping. I told him other than a broken heart I was physically feeling pretty good. About an hour later I was doubled over in pain. I couldn't stand up. I have never felt anything like this. I have a high pain tolerance and was gasping for air because the pain was so intense, Logan put me in the car and rushed me to the closest hospital.

We went into the emergency room. There were people all over the waiting room. The intake person could obviously see the level of pain I was in and they rushed me in. I was seen by the emergency room doctor, who contacted my OB's office. They explained that they do not have privileges at the hospital I was at and I needed to be transported to a different hospital. So an ambulance ride later I was in my room. They gave me pain meds and methotrexate. The pain meds did nothing to help with the pain. The nurse set Logan up a bed next to me and there we stayed. Hoping that I would not need emergency surgery to remove my tube. Logan and I were absolutely devastated over loosing this pregnancy, and to top it off we could have lost a tube which could stop any future pregnancies. After two nights in the hospital, I was released with both tubes in tact....
We were sent home to figure out what to do next. My doctor though I might have blockage in my tubes. He wanted to preform a procedure that pushes dye through your tubes. It helps unblock them and helps the doctor see if your tubes are crooked. I went in for the procedure. They said it wouldn't hurt....LIARS!!! It hurt like hell....But it was over before the pain got too bad... Logan and I went home feeling very optimistic... We felt we had a good chance of getting pregnant on our own.
Even though we felt we would have no problems, I decided to consult a fertility doctor. I just wanted to make sure I was doing everything right to conceive a child. So Logan and I headed to the fertility specialist. He told me that with my history I should have no problems, but he would prescribe Clomid to me...I felt like that was a big waste of my time, my regular OB already prescribed that to me.

I really hated the side affects of the Clomid. I was reluctant to take it again...Finally 9 months after my ectopic pregnancy, I decided to try the Clomid again. I had refills so I didn't need to see the doctor again. I filled the prescription and took it. I couldn't remember exactly how I was supposed to take it, but I figured I remembered enough. So two months in a row I took Clomid. The side affects were the worst, it turned me almost crazy. So no pregnancy during those two cycles. I decided to see my OB again to see what was wrong. Well it didn't take long to realize I took the pills on the wrong days. I went crazy for nothing...AHHHHHH So my OB gave me the correct instructions, I took them the right way in December 2007, and like clock work I found out I was preggers January 2008. I didn't even wait to tell Logan, I showed him the pee stick right away. We were cautiously excited. We decided we would only tell our family.
I called the fertility clinic and made an appt to get my blood test done. They saw me right away on Monday. I just new this had to be the one. Logan and I had sold our small two bedroom house and were building our dream home a 3000 sq ft four bedroom home on a lake. I felt like everything happens for a reason, and if we had, had the first pregnancy we would have never built a new home. This time it would be perfect. Our house would be ready in April 08 and the baby would come in September 08. How perfect. So I excitedly waited for my confirmation phone call. Later that Monday afternoon, I received the phone call from the fertility clinic. The nurse on the other end explained that this was not my time...WHAT???? not my time? are you sure? She said oh honey you are having a Chemical Pregnancy. She said that in their profession it didn't even count.....ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? it counts for me. We had dreams about this baby...Hell we went to Babies R Us and dreamed about how we would decorate the nursery....don't tell me that this doesn't count!! I hung up the phone, and felt like throwing up.
Poor Logan, he had no idea what to do. He felt so bad. I told him I was done, I needed to do something else. I couldn't take Clomid again...He agreed and we set another appointment to see the fertility doctor. This time I wasn't taking Clomid, I wanted an alternative treatment. The office set me up with an appointment in April. They wanted me to come in soon for blood work. After giving blood, I was contacted by a nurse who advised I had a condition called Polycystic ovarian syndrome....WHAT!!! let me get a pen, I need to write this one down. PCOS I have never heard of this... How come I was 30 years old and have been complaining about bad periods since I was 12 and no one figured this out until I was 30????? Well I did some research and realized I do not have the normal symptoms of PCOS...I am not overweight and I do not have excessive body hair. It's amazing that all it took was a simple blood test...Oh well at least I found out.
So Logan and I focused on moving into our dream home, and waited for our appointment with the fertility doctor.
To follow the rest of the story...visit our triplet blog http://www.havingtriplets.blogspot.com/

Cont......of Our LONG Journey

So there we are sitting at the fertility clinic. I am looking around at all the other women there wondering what they were in for. Everyone else had the same scared look on their face as I did. It is so different being in the fertility clinics lobby VS. a normal GYN. So there Logan and I are in the same office we sat a year ago waiting to see what the doctor would suggest. As soon as he spoke I started to cry, I just felt like I was losing hope. I told him I didn't want to go through clomid again and I needed another option. He understood and explained IUI. He said that was where they made me ovulate with drugs and inserted Logan's sperm manually. He stated the procedure costs around $1500.00. Cost was a factor for us, we just built our dream home and our insurance does not cover any infertility. So I know in my mind I was thinking OK that's our next step. He stated that most people have to go through a cycle or two before they would succeed with IUI...WHAT more waiting????? I am done waiting I thought. So his next suggestion was IVF Invetro Fertilization. I have done my research and realized that would be way out of our price range. He explained it could cost anywhere from 15,000 to 20,000 dollars. I felt crushed.

Well in the same sentence he lets us know that his clinic was in the middle of a case study. He went on to explain that a round of IVF would only cost us $3000 and they would do a payment plan without interest. Omg one second I am feeling helpless and the next I am feeling re energized. We didn't even discuss it, we both said that's what we want. I felt like this was a gift from god. Who would have guessed our true Journey hadn't even begun yet.....

So we met with the coordinator. She asks us every question imaginable and tells us we would be accepted into the study. She gives us a pack of papers and disclaimers and tells us to read them over and sign them all. She sets us up with an orientation date. We sift through the mound of paperwork and head to the orientation about a week after the appointment.

We show up to the orientation and the room is filled with couples. We all that the same exhausted look on our faces. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know anyone who has been through IVF. So we are there with our pens in hands. This awesome nurse Gayle is standing at the front of the room. She explains that she is going to go over all of the protocols and explain how to administer the shots. SHOTS??? Oh yeah that's part of it....So while Gayle is standing up there she goes on to say that everyone who goes through IVF wants multiples. She was being kind of negative and says they are not in the market of making each couple a bunch of babies but one healthy baby. Logan and I were thinking, yeah right Twins would be awesome. We could knock them out at the same time and honestly our first pregnancy was twins so we deserved them again. We just thought she was being a BITCH.....

So I started the cycle. Well the first thing they have you do is go on the pill for three weeks....WHAT??!!?? I am trying to get pregnant here...remember?????? Well I guess they want to make sure while doing all the drugs you do not get pregnant on your own. So after years of not taking any birth control, I found myself popping a pill every morning. Then the shots started. They start you off slow. Lupron, it goes into your leg and is a very short small needle. You hardly feel it....Then we graduated to stem drugs. These lovely shots went into your belly and the needle is a few inches long.

I ran out of needles for the lupron and had to go to the local drug store to get replacements, well you can get needles without a prescription....but the pharmacist will look at you like you do Heroin.....Really I'm a Cop for crying out loud.... LOL

So approximately 45 days after starting the pills I have my surgery date. This is the day they are going to take out my eggs and fertilize them with Logan's sperm. We were ready. We had to be there early. Logan was nervous because he had to "preform" at his best today...I mean everyone would be watching... HAHA So we get to the clinic and I get prepped for the procedure. Logan goes into this small room. it had a leather chair in the corner and a tv on the wall. He closes the door and I wish him luck. I change and lay down on the table. Before I have a chance to get comfortable the door to the room Logan is in swings open. I was like is everything OK???? He had a huge smile on his face and says "everything is great" he hands a cup to the nurse and I start dying laughing....He must have studied all night for that test...lol...

I am put under and when I wake up, I am informed that they were able to get 26 eggs. The doctor was ecstatic He said for my age and all the issues I have had it was great. So we were sent home and told we would be coming back in a few days for implantation.

The whole process is awesome and scary at the same time. We were contacted and told 24 of my eggs were fertilized naturally...To us this meant we were very compatible, Logan passed his test...lol

So It's transfer day, we show up at the office and are sitting in the waiting room. For this part of the procedure I do not have to be put under. I was given a Viocodin and told to take it before the procedure. I think it is to calm my nerves more than help with the pain. We get taken back and sit in a room with a round table, I am getting more anxious, because I know that the shot I got had to be taken at a certain time and we were getting very close to missing the window, Well the doctors know what they are doing and they are not going to let my cycle fail. Before long they came in and brought me to the procedure room. Logan was just happy he did not have to "preform" today.

There I am again lying in stirrups...Dr. Sanchez walks in and asks if we are ready to do this. We are ...yes... we are.... He asks the magic question...So how many are we putting in???? 2 or 3....Well with my age and our extensive history 3 seemed like the best odds. Dr. Sanchez said We only had a 1% chance of actually conceiving triplets...Without discussion, we both say Three.... Put Three back.....This single answer would haunt us for the rest of our lives....What if we just said 2....Well we didn't we said 3.

Dr. Sanchez opened the little metal door and pulled out a LONG straw, He took a moment and bowed his head saying a small prayer for our children. He brought the straw over to me and inserted my embryos in my uterus. I laid upside down on the table for a few minutes and was told to go home and wait. I would be returning in two weeks to find out if I was pregnant.

Well if you have ever struggled with infertility you know the TWW (Two Week Wait) Is Torture. It really is.. every twinge in your belly every minute of everyday...you wonder am I? Once it feels like it will never come you get the call from the doctors office saying you can come in tomorrow for you Beta test... OK Great. Logan was right there with me, we go to the doctors office and they draw blood....Well if you thought the TWW was bad??? the agonizing hours it takes for the nurse to call you back is worse. So after what felt like an eternity we got the pone call we had been LONGing for. We were pregnant...Well this was the first of several blood tests, we went back a few days later and the nurse advised us that we were VERY pregnant, my Beta numbers were though the roof. So we patiently waited 3 more weeks to get our first ultra sound to find out how many babies were in there. We figured two at the most, but we were excited of the possibilities of Triplets.

Ultrasound day was finally here, As I got out of the car I ran into another woman who had her transfer on the same day, She was holding her ultrasound picture and said she was having twins. I was so excited for her, but couldn't wait to get in and find out what we were having.

So we went back to the ultrasound room and anxiously waited for our answer..How many....My belly already looked like I was 3 months pregnant. I heard the ultrasound tech say there's one...there's two.....Then Logan and her together say there's three.....OMG I was over the MOON....I always wanted three kids, now I am getting them all at once.

I felt like all the years of struggling with the infertility were worth it..I hit the Trifecta!!!! Wait not so fast....To be cont...

Unexpected Melt down

Today, I sit here watching my 13 month old Megyn dancing in the living room to ~Head~Shoulders~Knees~ and Toes. I can't help but smile even though now this song will be stuck in my head all day :)

Yesterday, I had the privilege of giving out two awards at work for two very special people... Tassie and Brenda organized a bake sale when we lost our Triplets, they helped raise the money needed for their funeral and headstone. I am on the City Awards Committee and get tired of watching people get awards for, "coming to work on time, and "being dependable" these are things YOU should do to keep your jobs not get an award for. So, I put them in for an award. They have not only helped my family in our time of need, but they have helped other families.. ones who are struggling with cancer and loved ones of officer involved shootings.

The Melt down, So there I am standing up in front of 75 people... all of the "higher ups" Chief, Deputy Chief, Majors, Lt, Sgt's, peers. I'm standing up there starting to give my speech on how they touched my life when all of the sudden with out warning they start falling...The TEARS...I really thought I was strong enough to talk about it with out crying. Nope not yet. I am a COP I am supposed to have a heart of steel. I am not supposed to show signs of weakness, oh well...at least the speech was heartfelt and deserved. I watched as strong men wiped their eyes, I'm sure they just pulled a nose hair at the exact moment. A few big Officers even said they felt as sad as when they watched the Notebook..LOL So the Moral of my story is "I am not as strong as I think I am", and because of that..others were also able to let their guards down and sympathize with me.

My wonderful Husband Logan also received an award for his duties on the Honor Guard team. This is a picture of us after the awards we presented.

Four Plus an Angel: I'm Still Standing- Featured Blogger

Four Plus an Angel: I'm Still Standing- Featured Blogger: "I was so happy when I received an email from an amazing friend, allowing me to feature her here and share her story. I should not hav..."

~~Featured Blog~~

An amazing woman and triplet mommy featured our story in her awesome blog. Here is her link. She has an inspiring story and funny blog that everyone would enjoy reading. http://www.fourplusanangel.com/2010/12/im-still-standing-featured-blogger_31.html#disqus_thread

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