It's amazing when you are smiling almost every day how quickly a year can pass you by. I spent a year over seas after 911 and it felt like an eternity...Then you have a child and the days seem to zip by quicker than you can blink. Megyn is officially a Toddler. It's crazy everyday she changes and everyday I fall in love a little more. It seems impossible, but my heart gets bigger. Her birthday party was one for the record books, we had tons of friends, family and neighbors helping celebrate her 1st year of life. Her birthday has so many meanings for me personally, Her party fell on December 5th, which happened to be the two year anniversary of the Triplets funeral.
I did very well all day...it was hard not too, with the house of people..the D.J. and bounce house, it wasn't until the next day, that I fell apart. Grief....its a nasty little word that no one wants to talk about. Heck I experience it often and I don't wanna talk about it. This year was different than last year. I thought I would "hold up" better..nope not the case. Although I have found everyday life to go on, I found this year I fell apart worse than ever. Raidens Birthday was on October 17th. I went to work and planned on meeting Logan and Megyn at his grave to release balloons after.. Well I couldn't stop crying all morning. I left work early, and we went and celebrated his short life with the release of balloons and brought him a little truck. Megyn was having fun playing with the truck :). Logan and I decided we were going to start a tradition of bringing Megyn to their grave and remembering them. We then took Megyn to a fall festival where she got to ride a pony. Spending the day being able to grieve properly with Logan and Megyn made it possible to pull myself up off of the ground.
I found myself fighting to smell his scent one last time on his outfit I have had ziplocked for two years. I just wanted to have back the joy I once felt thinking about having my 1st born. Ryker and Gwyns birthday came on November 12th. We took Ryker a car and Gwyn a My little Pony and let Megyn release balloons for them. Afterwards we took Megyn to the zoo for the 1st time where she got to ride a Camel and feed a Giraffe.
I held up pretty well. Then the day after their funeral anniversary, again I fell apart. The sociology major in me realizes that Raiden's birthday is the beginning of the devastation and the funeral is the end. Being the control freak that I am, I do not like falling apart on a whim. I would prefer to schedule my grief...But if you have ever experienced this nasty little thing, you too realize you have absolutely NO control over when it will raise its dreary head.
Many people in my world feel that I should be happy, because I have Megyn...Don't get me wrong I am truly blessed to have such a perfect daughter. And I also realize that if i didn't lose my triplets I may have never unfrozen Megyn. But it doesn't lessen the sadness I feel over watching three of my beautiful children take their last breaths in my arms.
I had my physical this year and I had to "tell" my new doctor my history. I started to tell her everything that happened and I realized she had a Look of horror on her face, because I was smiling as I told her this horrific story. Then I realized, I never get to talk about my kids, I found myself so excited to bring their name up in conversation that I explained my whole "medical history" to this Doctor who really just wanted to know if my family has a history of diabetes. I have also scared some of the mommies at Gymboree. Because again I spoke about my Kiddos, When the lady said Oh... my... triplets... how old are they? and I said... oh no they passed away, she practically ran away...OOPS.....
I guess what my point is, If you know anyone in your life who has lost a child or a loved one. Life does go on and death IS a part of life. The person in your life who has lost someone thinks about that person probably everyday. Just because someone dies does not mean they are forgotten about...and it's OK to talk about death.