~~A Year of Reflection~~

Wow, this year has been full of ups and downs. I have never been happier watching Miss Megyn grow and learn. I know understand all the pain and suffering we had to endure to become parents, was well worth it. Megyn makes life worth living. I knew I wanted to be a parent, but I had no idea how Great it was actually going to be. The 1st year of any child life is full of new experiences. From watching Megyn touch sand for the first time~~ to watching her roll-over~~Sit-up~~Walk. It has been an amazing journey. I stopped blogging for a few months, thinking to myself..I have nothing to say. Well one night I went through my Blog and realized, this is not for everyone else, but for me. I loved getting to look back and reflect on my pregnancy and all of Megyn's "firsts" My goal in 2011 is to write more. So when she gets older I can reflect back and remember all of the "little" things.

This year has not come without struggle. I have struggled with dealing with grieving for my Triplets and the loss of my father. In the end, I have come out on top. I have many friends who are currently dealing with the struggles of infertility. I do not wish this struggle on my worst enemy. Infertility is a BITCH no one should ever have to experience. I am grateful that we live in a time, that there are medial interventions. I know for a fact that had I been born 30 years earlier I would not have had children. Everyday I look at Megyn I marvel at the fact she was frozen for a year. She is a perfect little girl. I have had people in my world look down on me because they do not believe in infertility treatments, because in their minds it is "messing" with gods plan. Well I have to tell you I do not agree. Looking at Megyn I have to say 'I DO NOT AGREE!!"

The question of the day lately has been.....So are you going to "try" for another.....Really..Um...NO. That is my final answer. I'm not saying No forever. But at least for a few years. I have a 5 year IUD and we shall see if I change my mind. But for now I am going to enjoy everyday of watching my munchkin grow. Not only will I have to go through IVF again, but my pregnancies are horrific, the full bed rest and other complications are not fun and I DO remember all the pain I have endured over the years. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to try again, but for now I am content and happy enjoying Megyn and getting "ME" healthy again. I am looking forward to an awesome 2011...


Megyn had a Blast on her 2nd Christmas. "Santa" got her a barbie guad...as soon as she saw it she got right on and started pushing the button. Every one thought "santa" was crazy for getting Megyn a riding toy, but She LOVES it.....She had a great time tearing open all her gifts. We are very blessed...

Santa~~ Well not for Megyn :)

We took Megyn to see Santa, She really didn't like him. I felt bad that she cried, but we got the sweetest picture. It is So adorable now, but in 10 or 20 years it is going to be Awesome. Megyn took her first unassisted step this weekend. Of coarse Logan was at school and I was at work. My sister got to see it for the first time. Megyn hasn't "taken off" yet but she stands and takes 1 or two steps. We have also taught her to climb up and down the stairs by herself. She is our little miss independent. We can't wait to see her opening presents in a few days.

1 year Photos ~~Awesome job~~

We used the same photographer Jason L. Powell who did Megyn's Newborn Pictures.... http://jasonlpowell.com/blog/?p=1038 If you like the pictures..Leave a message on Jason's Blog...

Halloween Pics

Halloween Pictures...She was our little Flower...

1st Birthday ~~All about Ladybugs~~

Megyn's 1st Birthday was AWESOME....She had so much fun in the Bounce house. We had a little melt down when 65 people tried to sing happy birthday to her. She cried a bit and really didn't wanna smash the ladybug cake I made for her. We tried it again later and she loved the cake. Megyn is still refusing to walk, I guess because she is so good a crawling. She can walk she just wont let go of our hands or the couch. She also had her 1 year doctors appt. and she is now 22 1/2 lbs and is 30 inches long. She is in the 65 percentile...Not bad for being 4 weeks early....

A year flys by....

It's amazing when you are smiling almost every day how quickly a year can pass you by. I spent a year over seas after 911 and it felt like an eternity...Then you have a child and the days seem to zip by quicker than you can blink. Megyn is officially a Toddler. It's crazy everyday she changes and everyday I fall in love a little more. It seems impossible, but my heart gets bigger. Her birthday party was one for the record books, we had tons of friends, family and neighbors helping celebrate her 1st year of life. Her birthday has so many meanings for me personally, Her party fell on December 5th, which happened to be the two year anniversary of the Triplets funeral.

I did very well all day...it was hard not too, with the house of people..the D.J. and bounce house, it wasn't until the next day, that I fell apart. Grief....its a nasty little word that no one wants to talk about. Heck I experience it often and I don't wanna talk about it. This year was different than last year. I thought I would "hold up" better..nope not the case. Although I have found everyday life to go on, I found this year I fell apart worse than ever. Raidens Birthday was on October 17th. I went to work and planned on meeting Logan and Megyn at his grave to release balloons after.. Well I couldn't stop crying all morning. I left work early, and we went and celebrated his short life with the release of balloons and brought him a little truck. Megyn was having fun playing with the truck :). Logan and I decided we were going to start a tradition of bringing Megyn to their grave and remembering them. We then took Megyn to a fall festival where she got to ride a pony. Spending the day being able to grieve properly with Logan and Megyn made it possible to pull myself up off of the ground.

I found myself fighting to smell his scent one last time on his outfit I have had ziplocked for two years. I just wanted to have back the joy I once felt thinking about having my 1st born. Ryker and Gwyns birthday came on November 12th. We took Ryker a car and Gwyn a My little Pony and let Megyn release balloons for them. Afterwards we took Megyn to the zoo for the 1st time where she got to ride a Camel and feed a Giraffe.

I held up pretty well. Then the day after their funeral anniversary, again I fell apart. The sociology major in me realizes that Raiden's birthday is the beginning of the devastation and the funeral is the end. Being the control freak that I am, I do not like falling apart on a whim. I would prefer to schedule my grief...But if you have ever experienced this nasty little thing, you too realize you have absolutely NO control over when it will raise its dreary head.

Many people in my world feel that I should be happy, because I have Megyn...Don't get me wrong I am truly blessed to have such a perfect daughter. And I also realize that if i didn't lose my triplets I may have never unfrozen Megyn. But it doesn't lessen the sadness I feel over watching three of my beautiful children take their last breaths in my arms.

I had my physical this year and I had to "tell" my new doctor my history. I started to tell her everything that happened and I realized she had a Look of horror on her face, because I was smiling as I told her this horrific story. Then I realized, I never get to talk about my kids, I found myself so excited to bring their name up in conversation that I explained my whole "medical history" to this Doctor who really just wanted to know if my family has a history of diabetes. I have also scared some of the mommies at Gymboree. Because again I spoke about my Kiddos, When the lady said Oh... my... triplets... how old are they? and I said... oh no they passed away, she practically ran away...OOPS.....

I guess what my point is, If you know anyone in your life who has lost a child or a loved one. Life does go on and death IS a part of life. The person in your life who has lost someone thinks about that person probably everyday. Just because someone dies does not mean they are forgotten about...and it's OK to talk about death.

9 months

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Megyn is on the move...

Well Megyn is almost 9 months old. She is growing so quick. She started crawling at 7 months and pulling herself up on everything and she is starting to walk assisted. She knows I am mama and Logan is Dada. She says other words like Hi and BaBa too. We recently went on vacation to Georgia and she went rafting down a small river in Helen, GA. She loved it, Megyn is going to be fearless. There was 13 of us staying in a huge house, Megyn Loved seeing everyone every morning. We recently bought and Ibert, it's a child seat for your bike. Megyn just loves going for rides.


Megyn was Baptized on 7/11/10. Father Gordon did the honors, He is the same priest who Baptized Logan and he did the service for our Triplets (Raiden, Ryker, and Gwyn's) funeral. It was a great day with friends and family. We are truly blessed....

Vintage Big Bird

When I was little I had a Big Bird Chair, I just loved. I got it in the late 70's and my parents got rid of it when they sold our childhood home. I have really been thinking a lot about that chair since I had Megyn....Well thanks to Craigs List, I was able to find one Exactly like mine. Logan took the day off of work and we loaded up the mini van for a 5 hour road trip. We went to Ft. Lauderdale to pick up the chair. We bought Megyn's chair from the nicest lady. It was her son's chair. He was actually on Sesame Street and she has preserved it for over 30 years. She was happy it was going to someone who would appreciate it....appreciate it??? Are you kidding I gave her a big hug as I wiped the tears from my eyes....even though it is not "my" chair...it is nice to pass down a little something from my era....

Gymboree Graduation

Miss Megyn Graduated to Gymboree Level 2. Our 1st of many graduations...

Father's Day

As Father's Day approaches I am torn in a few directions. I am very excited for Logan to get to really celebrate being a Dad, Last year it was very hard, we just didn't feel like celebrating. This year I am very excited for Logan and have a few things in store for him...

This brings me to my ultimate struggle...I am mourning the loss of my father more now than I have in 6 months. We went to a celebration of my parents' friends' 50th wedding anniversary. I found my self tearing up more than once...It is hard not having him around..Not having him to laugh with me... I am what most would call..."Daddy's Little Girl"...I loved my dad more than anyone could ever love someone...In my eye's my dad could never do wrong...In my eyes he was my true hero...I have lived most of my adult life trying to please him...Staying in the Navy for 10 years, graduating College, Traveling the world. All of these things happened because I just wanted my father...my hero... to be proud of me.....Someone recently told me that I would "get over" loosing him....Really?!?! That will never happen...In life we have many loves and many losses....but you only get one Dad...There is a spot in my heart that will forever be lost..that will always be broken...a little over 6 months ago, a little girl..... lost her first true love.... her Father....This is something I will never forget or ever get over.

PS... Dad if you are listening... Thanks for the memories...Even though we were separated by 3000 miles when I joined the Navy. The trips you made to San Diego were some of the best memories of my 10 years there....Going to the Superbowl~ Watching the Bucs Kill Oakland..the after party..Then In and Out at 3 in the morning (Best burgers in the world)....Longbeach...Mr. Storks for my 21st birthday and teaching me the fine wine selection oh and creme brule...Driving me through Beverly Hills and Rodeo drive...Laughing cause the waiter thought I was your escort....My college graduation and my 26th Birthday..you and I closing a few bars then contemplating sleeping on the pool furniture because we forgot the key to the room, and we knew mom would be mad...Dancing the Father daughter dance at my wedding to the song YOU picked for us. "Angel" by Sarah M. It brought tears to my eyes then and now.... There are so many more~ I only wish my little angel Megyn could know her Grandfather the way I did...I so wanted to start her at Carries Dance Gallery so I could torcher you with dance recitals and the "Greatest Love of All" song finale....LOL only kidding, you sat (or Slept) through enough of mine....Please take good care of My Trio I know they are in good hands...I love you Dad...Happy Father's Day...I hope I made you proud....

6 months old

Megyn is 6 months old...WOW have we been busy... She is growing so quickly, She now sits up on her own and loves to play with her toys. I get such a kick out of seeing her select her favorites. She gets up on all 4's and rocks back and forth...its only a matter of time before she starts crawling. It amazes us everyday how much babies change the first year. We got her ears pierced on her 6 month doctors appt. They put numbing cream on so she barely felt anything. She cried a lot harder for her shots than her ears. She looks so grown up with diamonds in her ears. She also graduated Gymboree...She is now in level 2.....she really started to get bored with the baby class...She says dadadadadadadadadadad all the time when she is happy...she says mama too but its only when she is crying and upset, talk about breaking my heart :)

5 months old

Well Megyn is over 5 months old now. She is rolling all around and sitting up for short periods of time on her own. I always heard people talk about how quick their kiddos grow up...WOW are they right...Time is flying by. We have had a very busy month....Logan took me on our 1st date night since Megyn was born. He went all out and rented a limo, It was so awesome to have some alone time with Logan. We were still home by 9...lol....Then Logan surprised me on mother's day weekend with a room at the Grand Hyatt and an in room Massage...Oh my it was nice. Megyn did so good away from home. Then this past weekend was my Birthday and we spent it on ST. Pete Beach. Megyn played in sand for the first time and went in the ocean. Its very cool to see a small child touch sand for the 1st time, we take for granted that we know what it feels and looks like. Logan has been in SWAT school all week....he has been so bummed because he has missed two weeks of Gymboree. He gets the dad of the year award. I am adding a few pictures of Megyn. We had our police memorial this month, Megyn got to try on daddy's Honor guard hat. I weighed Megyn the other day, she is up to 14 lbs 4 oz....she is getting so big....


Megyn amazes us more everyday. She finally has rolled over from her back to her belly. This is a move she has tried for over 2 weeks, she would almost get all the way over, but her arm would always get in the way. Well of coarse I was home the first two times she did this, but I missed it. I would look over seeing her on her tummy...I would stare at her for a few hours and nothing, as soon as I walked a way BAM she would do it again. I started my work week and of coarse I kept getting calls from her daddy bragging about how great "HIS" daughter is and how she just rolls and rolls...I just want to see it!! every night when I go home, she would be too tired from rolling all day to show me...Well finally today I got to witness for myself what all of the Hype was about...Well I can say I cheered like she just won the superbowl..OMG it's amazing how happy and excited you get seeing your children accomplish something....I just hope she walks when I am home with her, so I can rub it in her daddy's face...LOL Just Kidding, honestly I am just happy one of us is always with her....


Hi there...This is a message from Megyn's daddy...I was able to break away from the trance of my daugter's gaze long enough to send this message and then I will more than likely be sucked right back in...

I made this video a few days back; it is amazing how she is becoming so active, especialy with a 180 lb man wrapped around her finger...Enjoy the video and always smile and kiss your children even when they frustrate you !! Unless your one of the lucky ones like us, who never get frustrated, cause our baby is perfect!!!!

Eating Solids

Wow, Megyn is 4 months old already. She is really interactive. She laughs and smiles all the time. We just can't believe how lucky we are. She sleeps from 8pm to 730am every night. She has started eating solids. She really enjoys eating with a spoon in her highchair. So far she has tried Peas and Sweet Potatoes. She loves them both. Currently her favorite toy is her rainforest jumper. She is too little to touch the ground but don't tell her that. We put a box underneath and she jumps and jumps....She gets pretty wild with it...I get such a kick out of watching her in it. Megyn loves sucking her thumb, she prefers her thumb over her pacifier. Yesterday Logan heard a weird noise coming from her, he looked down and noticed she was sucking her bottle and thumb at the same time....It is so cute cause she has such tiny hands....We can't wait to see what this month has in store for us...

Happy Easter!!!

Our Easter Bunny....

Megyn's first pool experience....

Easter Day.....


Megyn rolled over for her daddy last week, well today she decided to show him up by rolling over 5 times for mommy!!!

Megyn's First Easter Bunny!!!

Megyn got to visit the Easter Bunny tonight. She Loved him.....

Megyn's Flying Airmethods Helicopter

Megyn's Uncle Paul is a pilot for rescue helicopter's for hospitals. Logan took her for a day of show and tell. He got some of the cutest pictures. She took a nap while Paul left for a flight. Logan said she slept during two helicopter landings.

What a Happy Baby

Logan and I can't get over how awesome it is to be parents. So many people told us about all the bad things that go along with being a parent...Well we can't find anything negative...we love everyday with our little peanut. This is a video her daddy took of her. She got her first cold this week, although you wouldn't know it...she is always smiling and laughing.

Megyn is 3 months

WOW where does the time go? Megyn is almost 3 months old. I took her today to get some photos, You have to do the milestones. They are no where near the quality of her newborn photos, but they capture the essence of our cute munchkin.....


Megyn and I survived our first Gymboree class....Megyn had such a great time. I thought she would be too young...boy was I wrong. She loved tummy time and the clown puppet Gymbo. I had to buy him before left. She just loved seeing other babies. So this will a regular weekly event. Logan is taking her on Mondays and I an taking her on Wednesdays. Here is a picture of Megyn on Valentine's Day...Logan bought her a dress with cardigan before I got off of work. Megyn just turned ten weeks and she has started sleeping through the night. The first few nights I was up several times wondering why she wasn't waking up..I had to check on her several times..i am getting the hang of it now...

She is growing so big!!!

Megyn had her 2 month check up on Monday. She is perfect...well that's what the doctor kept telling us. She is weighing 9lbs 5oz and is 23 1/4 inches long. We were just amazed that she is getting so big. She is starting to sleep longer at night, which is great because I am going back to work on Saturday. She slept 8 hours tonight...I wish I could have. I was so freaked out that she wasn't waking me that I watched her monitor for an hour... I am sure I will get used to it. She had to get shots at the doctors, of coarse I always laughed at women who told me they cried when their little ones got shots...Well add me to the crazy mommy list..I was a crying mess..It literally took me hours before I didn't feel like I was going to throw up. Hearing your child scream in pain at a place that you took them..makes you feel like a horrible parent...lol ....but it is for their own good and she forgot all about the pain in a few short seconds...I wish I was so lucky...we have two months before she goes back....I am going to have to figure out a way to weigh her...I can't wait two months to find out how big she is....

Where it all began...Our LONG Journey

When I started this blog it was to document our Journey to parenthood...Well I jumped straight in to the parenthood part, well....because we were expecting....I really need to start at the beginning to really understand how we got to this place. So here it goes...it will take me several entries to tell the entire story, I don't want to rush it and I need to remember exactly how it all happened...

Quick story of me....I graduated High school early at 17, joined the Navy and moved from Florida to California..I had a studio apartment in Mission Beach, San Diego all before I officially "walked" at graduation. I got out of active duty at 20 and joined the reserves while I attended California State University San Marcos. I got married at 23 and divorced at 25....I was activated September 12, 2001...I spent 13 months in Guam. At first I hated it because I was in my senior year of college. I was able to finish college in 2003 and moved back to Florida. I decided to become a Police Officer, because I had experience in the Military I only had to attend a 2 week cross over academy. I started working for Clearwater PD on 1/12/2004...I was single and determined that I was going to swear off men and focus on my career. I had been on too many bad dates...well the first day of work I walked in to orientation and looked around... I noticed a very cute young guy sitting at the first table. I though to myself..Ohh this career thing is going to be hard. I remember the cute guy from the academy. He wasn't in my class but saw him in the halls. I introduced myself and through the next few weeks we started having lunch and spending time together. One night I asked the other people in my class if anyone wanted to go to happy hour. I was praying Logan would want to go...He said yes and so did a few other (not that I cared about the others) after a few drinks I got the courage to give him a kiss...Well after a few weeks of dating we moved in together. We took a trip to London a year later, bought a house and got engaged.

Logan and I knew someday we would want to have a baby together. I always wondered if I could actually get pregnant. I have always had problem periods that were associated with debilitating pain. My new doctor was awesome. He was the first doctor in my life that didn't think the pain was "in my head." He decided to preform laparoscopy surgery to see if I had endormetriosis. Well I was clear from that, but I did have a little blockage he cleaned out. He was very optimistic that I would have no problems getting pregnant on my own.

Logan and I got married in November of 05' at Sandals in the Bahamas. Our wedding was Simply Perfect....It was just us and we had an incredible 10 days. We even went shark diving 2 days after our I DO's. We were set in our lives. Our career was right on track, we had a cute home and were honeymooners...well what else could make our lives better..we thought hey we will try to start a family...

So right after the honeymoon, I threw my pills away....After 13 years of taking a little pill religiously every day, I figured it would take me a few months to get pregnant...So we started the FUN journey of "trying" to get pregnant. Six months went by and still nothing. I have never had regular periods so I wasn't too worried. I started seeing an acupuncturist. It helped start my period, but never helped actually conceive. So after a year of "trying" on our own I went to see my OB. He thought everything was fine, and thought I just needed a push...So he prescribed me clomid....I am someone who hates to even take Tylenol and here I was getting ready to take fertility drugs.. Well Logan and I really wanted to get pregnant...I made the mistake of telling people we were "trying" so the comments started and never stopped. Everyone had an opinion or questions...So common ones were...

~so why aren't you pregnant yet?

~ are you pregnant?

~ Just relax.

~ you will get pregnant when you stop trying.....(really~WTH)

~ when it's your time it will happen.

~whats wrong with you?

~ when god is ready for you he will make it happen..

It was nice to be so blissfully ignorant back then. So Back to the Clomid. I got my prescription filled and had my instructions. With Clomid you have to take the pills on certain days of your cycle then have intercourse on other specific days...it kind of takes the fun out of "trying" but Logan and I decided we would make the best of it.....So I started the Clomid at the end of December right after Christmas in 2006. So January 2007 came and I started to feel a little "off" it's the best way I can explain how I was feeling.

~So one day I am at work having coffee with a friend and coworker. We were talking about my struggle and my desire to get pregnant. My friend reached across the table and grabbed both of my hands. I was a bit freaked out at first because we are both Cops and it would have looked a little odd to the other patrons at Starbucks. But what the hell, I went with it. He says to me that he has a gift and the last few women he did this too got pregnant...and had daughters. I laughed and told him he was funny....I went on about my week without thinking too much about that incident.

So Saturday was here and I was supposed to get my period sometime that week...but since I have never been regular I had no idea when it should actually come. I had to go to work at 3 and got the idea that I should take a pregnancy test...now you have to realize I was what some would call a "stick junkie" they were always negative and I decided to stop buying the expensive brands....So Logan was out with his brother and I had the house to myself. I went into the bathroom and pulled the dreaded white pee stick out of the box. I looked at it with contempt as I had so many other times. So I proceeded to piddle on the plastic disappointment stick...and then all of the sudden with in seconds I saw two lines...Of coarse I FREAKED out...I read the directions because I thought..oh what did I do wrong...I started shaking and couldn't believe my eyes... If you have ever wanted a child getting your first positive at home pregnancy test is one of the single most exciting moments ever.....Well like every other woman in the world I needed more confirmation...So like JUNO I proceeded to drink my weight in fluids and ran to the CVS. This time I didn't skimp. I purchased the most sophisticated test I could ever pee on..lol Clear blue easy digital...I got home and ran in to the bathroom...I piddled again on that stick...again within seconds POSITIVE....I was again SO excited. I realized at that moment that all of the other times when the tests were negative I didn't have to wait for....forever to check the test...when it is positive it will say it pretty quickly...So the test said POSITIVE...Of coarse I got the two pack...so I drank another 32 oz of water and piddled on the second one....again it said PREGNANT... I decided that I needed to figure out a way to tell Logan. I was supposed to be at work so I headed to Target to get him something baby related.

Well you would think my first call would be to my family....Well nope I called my friend from work and the first thing I said was "OMG you got me Pregnant" I meant it in a good way...but it sounded pretty bad...lol I told him his hand holding thing worked again....He was so excited for me.

So I went to Target and found these yellow little ducky booties. I got them and a pink teddy bear that said "babies first bear" I rushed home, By then Logan and his brother were home. I snuck the Target finds in my purse. I was happy to find Logan was in the shower. He had no Idea I didn't go to work. So I set the bear, booties, and the pregnancy test on the bed and I hid outside. When he came out of the shower I heard a scream. Then he yelled to his brother. Logan thought I dropped the things and went to work....He grabbed me when he saw me come around the corner. Logan has never looked happier. We went out with his family to dinner. I have to admit I loved the attention. On Sunday Logan and his brother went to the mall. They presented me with a Tiffany's signature blue box. I was excited to open it. Inside was a stainless steel baby rattle. Logan informed me that when the baby started teething he/she would leave teeth marks and we could get it engraved. Logan and his brother Paul wrote me the kindest notes.

So we were pregnant...We thought wow that was a long year but it was worth it. I had a September due date and was very excited because it is the only month that we don't have other birthdays or events going on. I called my Ob on Monday morning, of coarse they like to make the first appointments 10 to 12 weeks out, well I had to get a note to come off of patrol so I insisted on being seen. They did a urine test and confirmed what I already knew I was pregnant. They also did a blood test. They gave me my note and said they would see me in 6 weeks. We were so excited we told everyone who would listen that we were expecting. One of our friends told Logan that we should be careful about telling people in case we lost the baby....WHAT !?!? up until that point we never even considered that was an option. We already went through the hard part of trying for a year..nothing bad could happen.....right...wrong.....

I got a call from my OB's office. They explained that my beta numbers were very elevated for how far a long I was. They mentioned possibility of twins and asked me to come back for an additional blood test. After that test they asked me to come in for an ultrasound. Wow an ultrasound how exciting. Logan and I went to my Ob's office. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were in the lobby looking at other pregnant women. We were talking about all of the possibilities and day dreaming about everything. We made it into the ultrasound room. So since this was my first one ever I only knew what I have seem on tv. The woman told me to get undressed from the waist down...What....on tv you expose your belly they squirt goo on your tummy and they move a wand around on your stomach. I went with it and undressed. The ultrasound tech explained that they would be preforming a vaginal ultrasound...OH ok...Still had no idea, but I was too excited to care... Logan and I were joking and giggling...we were looking around the room at all of the pictures of babies on ultrasounds. We were so excited to see our little peanut.

So there was an ultrasound girl in training, Again I didn't care I just wanted to see our baby and find out if it was in fact twins. She loaded the condom over the wand and inserted it....Logan and I couldn't keep a straight face, it was a little funny that they put a condom on the wand. So I was laying there for what felt like forever. She kept going over the same spots. It was starting to get very sensitive. Logan was watching the screen. The ultrasound tech wasn't saying anything. I thought wow she is a BITCH. So I was asking questions she was being vague. It didn't take me long to figure out.....something was wrong..... Logan and I were no longer joking. I asked her if everything was OK..she said she had to get the doctor. So my doctor came in and said it was to early to see anything and he would talk to us in his office. At this point we were very confused.

My doctor came in and explained that I was experiencing a miscarriage.. WHAT...NO this isn't happening....We have tried to hard and too long....NOOOOOOOOO He further explained that they are unable to locate the pregnancy. He said he thinks I am having an ectopic pregnancy...He explained my options. He said I could take a methotrexate shot that will eliminate the pregnancy. He said the pregnancy could be in my tubes or I could try to miscarry naturally. Well of coarse I chose to let nature take its coarse....I was holding on to hope that there would be a Miracle. Well I had to go to his office every two days for blood work to make sure my beta was going down. The day after my appointment I started bleeding. It was awful. I have never been so devastated. I really felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. So I assumed I was miscarrying naturally. My doctor was very sweet and even explained that his wife had been through the same and went on to have children. I felt like all of my hopes and dreams were shattered. I took a few days off of work to regroup....My doctor called me on Wednesday night to check in on me. He wanted to know if I was having any cramping. I told him other than a broken heart I was physically feeling pretty good. About an hour later I was doubled over in pain. I couldn't stand up. I have never felt anything like this. I have a high pain tolerance and was gasping for air because the pain was so intense, Logan put me in the car and rushed me to the closest hospital.

We went into the emergency room. There were people all over the waiting room. The intake person could obviously see the level of pain I was in and they rushed me in. I was seen by the emergency room doctor, who contacted my OB's office. They explained that they do not have privileges at the hospital I was at and I needed to be transported to a different hospital. So an ambulance ride later I was in my room. They gave me pain meds and methotrexate. The pain meds did nothing to help with the pain. The nurse set Logan up a bed next to me and there we stayed. Hoping that I would not need emergency surgery to remove my tube. Logan and I were absolutely devastated over loosing this pregnancy, and to top it off we could have lost a tube which could stop any future pregnancies. After two nights in the hospital, I was released with both tubes in tact....
We were sent home to figure out what to do next. My doctor though I might have blockage in my tubes. He wanted to preform a procedure that pushes dye through your tubes. It helps unblock them and helps the doctor see if your tubes are crooked. I went in for the procedure. they said it wouldn't hurt....LIARS!!! It hurt like hell....But it was over before the pain got too bad... Logan and I went home feeling very optimistic... We felt we had a good chance of getting pregnant on our own.
Even though we felt we would have no problems, I decided to consult a fertility doctor. I just wanted to make sure I was doing everything right to conceive a child. So Logan and I headed to the fertility specialist. He told me that with my history I should have no problems, but he would prescribe Clomid to me...I felt like that was a big waste of my time, my regular OB already prescribed that to me.
I really hated the side affects of the Clomid. I was reluctant to take it again...Finally 9 months after my ectopic pregnancy, I decided to try the Clomid again. I had refills so I didn't need to see the doctor again. I filled the prescription and took it. I couldn't remember exactly how I was supposed to take it, but I figured I remembered enough. So two months in a row I took Clomid. The side affects were the worst, it turned me almost crazy. So no pregnancy during those two cycles. I decided to see my OB again to see what was wrong. Well it didn't take long to realize I took the pills on the wrong days. I went crazy for nothing...AHHHHHH So my OB gave me the correct instructions, I took them the right way in December 2007, and like clock work I found out I was preggers January 2008. I didn't even wait to tell Logan, I showed him the pee stick right away. We were cautiously excited. We decided we would only tell our family.
I called the fertility clinic and made an appt to get my blood test done. They saw me right away on Monday. I just new this had to be the one. Logan and I had sold our small two bedroom house and were building our dream home a 3000 sq ft four bedroom home on a lake. I felt like everything happens for a reason, and if we had, had the first pregnancy we would have never built a new home. This time it would be perfect. Our house would be ready in April 08 and the baby would come in September 08. How perfect. So I excitedly waited for my confirmation phone call. Later that Monday afternoon, I received the phone call from the fertility clinic. The nurse on the other end explained that this was not my time...WHAT???? not my time? are you sure? She said oh honey you are having a Chemical Pregnancy. She said that in their profession it didn't even count.....ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? it counts for me. We had dreams about this baby...Hell we went to Babies R Us and dreamed about how we would decorate the nursery....don't tell me that this doesn't count!! I hung up the phone, and felt like throwing up.
Poor Logan, he had no idea what to do. He felt so bad. I told him I was done, I needed to do something else. I couldn't take Clomid again...He agreed and we set another appointment to see the fertility doctor. This time I wasn't taking Clomid, I wanted an alternative treatment. The office set me up with an appointment in April. They wanted me to come in soon for blood work. After giving blood, I was contacted by a nurse who advised I had a condition called Polycystic ovarian syndrome....WHAT!!! let me get a pen, I need to write this one down. PCOS I have never heard of this... How come I was 30 years old and have been complaining about bad periods since I was 12 and no one figured this out until I was 30????? Well I did some research and realized I do not have the normal symptoms of PCOS...I am not overweight and I do not have excessive body hair. Its amazing that all it took was a simple blood test...Oh well at least I found out.
So Logan and I focused on moving into our dream home, and waited for our appointment with the fertility doctor.
TO BE CONT......

Almost 2 months old

Wow where does the time go???? Our little munchkin is almost 2 months old. She is doing so well. Megyn has started to focus on us and smile (just melts my heart) She grabs on to things... yesterday I was holding her and I bent over she quickly grabbed my shirt, as if I was going to drop her. We are enjoying every single minute with her. So many people told Logan and I...Just wait... Just wait.... until you are changing poopy diapers.... Just wait..... until you are up all night.... Well we have to do these things like all parents, but WE LOVE IT!!! I guess not everyone has been through what we have been through...4 years of trying.... multiple fertility treatments.... the loss of three of our children... well, all I can say is through all of the hard times, I kept looking for the "reason" although I will never understand why god took my three angels...I can tell you Logan and I appreciate our daughter more than most people because we know what it is like to, long for a child... Then to have three, just to have them taken from you. So to all of you out there who say....Just wait.... Well we are waiting.... and we are LOVING every minute...

The Pictures are IN!!!!!

Hot off the Press!!!!

Megyn's professional pictures are complete. Here is the link....Make sure you have your sound on!!!


Megyn had her one month check - up this week, she is growing so fast. She was 7lbs 4 oz and 19 1/2 inches. She is perfectly healthy and very happy. Logan and I feel so blessed to have our perfect little girl. We just know we have three little and one big guardian angels up above.

She is starting to LOVE tummy time. We are excited for her to start interacting with us more. She is able to focus on our faces. Logan is back to work and I have a few more weeks of maternity leave left....We are still hopeful we will win millions with publishers clearing house so we can both stay home and watch her grow... LOL :)

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